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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the shed, the boat, fishing -- always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her sitting in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will probably walk again but I will always have a limp.
When I arrived home one day, I found her sitting in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will probably walk again but I will always have a limp.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 lbs.
“That's amazing!” the doctor said “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded and said, “I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the darn skippin'.”
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 lbs.
“That's amazing!” the doctor said “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Irishman nodded and said, “I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.”
“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from the darn skippin'.”
A man is stopped by the police at 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? And just who would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The officer then asks, "Really? And just who would be giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Frank feared his wife Gloria wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give him a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here's what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, Gloria was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Frank was in the den. He said to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
So Frank moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Gloria, what's for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “'Honey, what's for dinner?
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her and says, “Gloria, what's for dinner?”
“For heaven’s sake, Frank! For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
“Here's what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, Gloria was in the kitchen cooking dinner and Frank was in the den. He said to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
So Frank moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Gloria, what's for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “'Honey, what's for dinner?
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her and says, “Gloria, what's for dinner?”
“For heaven’s sake, Frank! For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy six cartons of milk!!?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy six cartons of milk!!?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
A husband asked his wife, "Honey, will you love me when I'm old and senile?"
She said, "Of course I do."
She said, "Of course I do."
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. There was a large pond in the back and the spot was perfect for swimming and relaxing. He had fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
Jack wakes up with a horrible
hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a rose on
the side table and a loving note from his wife.
"Dear Jack, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there’s breakfast. "Johnny," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"
"You came home totally soused and got that black eye by tripping over a chair."
"So, why the rose, the breakfast, and the sweet note from your mother?"
"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone! I’m married!'"
"Dear Jack, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there’s breakfast. "Johnny," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"
"You came home totally soused and got that black eye by tripping over a chair."
"So, why the rose, the breakfast, and the sweet note from your mother?"
"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone! I’m married!'"
William was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully to his wife, "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, William," his wife said softly, "What is it?"
"After I die," he said, "I want you to marry Jack."
"But I thought you hated Jack," she said.
With his last breath William said, "I do!"
"Of course, William," his wife said softly, "What is it?"
"After I die," he said, "I want you to marry Jack."
"But I thought you hated Jack," she said.
With his last breath William said, "I do!"
A man goes to see his Priest and says, “Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Priest asked, “What's is it?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Priest then offers, “I’ll tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.”
A week later the Priest calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes and the Priest replied, “Take the poison.”
The Priest asked, “What's is it?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Priest, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Priest then offers, “I’ll tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.”
A week later the Priest calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said yes and the Priest replied, “Take the poison.”
A
husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big passionate kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks
away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that!?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Alex?” asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that, "replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Alex?” asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. He
gets into the taxi and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just
like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right."
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right."
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a checked his blood pressure, did an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a checked his blood pressure, did an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
At the church meeting, the
preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants
to be prayed over, please come forward." Billy Bob got in line, and
when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need
that you want me to pray about?”
Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"
Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”
Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"
Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”
Bill,
a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and
terrific babe who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bill's arm and listens intently to
his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bill replies.
“What did you tell her, you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!”
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bill replies.
“What did you tell her, you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
On
the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The
teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She
touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"
Two
buddies, Tom and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the
world. Their entire adult lives, Tom and Earl discussed baseball history
in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season.
They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died
first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven. One summer night, Tom passed away in his sleep after watching a
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Tom's voice from beyond.
"Tom is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it’s me," Tom replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
"Tom is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it’s me," Tom replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A
minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The
first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put
into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a
container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container
of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister
reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil: alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Betty Lou was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!” That pretty much ended the service.
The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil: alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Betty Lou was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!” That pretty much ended the service.
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"
Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
"WHERE is my SUNDAY
paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Oh. . . . so that's why no one was at church today."
"Ma'am," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday."
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Oh. . . . so that's why no one was at church today."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
As Herman was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said," My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said," My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly woman, to the stand. The attorney
approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge quickly interrupted and ordered both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for 20 years!"
A
group of 40 year-old buddies were discussing where they should go for
dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Glowing
Embers Restaurant because the waitresses there are young, shapely, and
beautiful.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they have never been there before.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Glowing Embers because they have never been there before.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist in town. I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I couldn’t resist so I asked him if he had attended Morgan High School.
"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?'"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, What did you teach?"
"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?'"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, What did you teach?"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting Flies,” he responded.
“Oh! Did you kill any?” she asked..
“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the telephone.”
“Hunting Flies,” he responded.
“Oh! Did you kill any?” she asked..
“Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the telephone.”
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "That's great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Everything!," she said. "Just get out."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A elderly gentleman was talking to his neighbor and said, " I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's
state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
The next day they were chatting again. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The other man responded, "No, it's Thursday!"'
The first man says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
"Really?," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
The next day they were chatting again. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The other man responded, "No, it's Thursday!"'
The first man says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Ken was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When his father became quite ill, he realized that he
would soon inherit a large fortune. He decided he needed a wife with
whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he
spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty
took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said
to her, “but in a short time, my father will die and I'll inherit 20
million dollars.” Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night, the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head, knocks on the table, and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood!" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head, knocks on the table, and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful. Knock on wood!" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Back off!!'"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Two minutes ago."
Jack knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in his fashion sense. Jack finally walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
Jack falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Walking up to the store's fabric counter, an attractive young woman said, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
Not to be taken back by the comment, the woman said, "That's fine. I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the material, then held it out teasingly, leaning forward to receive the special payment.
The woman snapped up the package and pointed to an old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
Not to be taken back by the comment, the woman said, "That's fine. I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the material, then held it out teasingly, leaning forward to receive the special payment.
The woman snapped up the package and pointed to an old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
After living in the remote backwoods of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror, thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hag he's runnin' around with!"
Two young boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and then you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?" The first boy responds, "circumcision." The second boy says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 20-year high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to the doctor and was fitted for hearing aids which restored his hearing to nearly 100%. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor for a one-month check up and the doctor asked, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be very pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times
already!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was also the local Pastor, if they could discuss the use of the family car. His father invited him to his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the scriptures, and get your hair cut and we'll consider it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your scriptures diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your scriptures diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Martha's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got injured, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
A husband was reading an article to his wife about how many words people speak each day.
"Honey, did you know that women speak an average of 30,000 words a day and men speak only 15,000?"
The wife replied, "The reason is because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
"Honey, did you know that women speak an average of 30,000 words a day and men speak only 15,000?"
The wife replied, "The reason is because we have to repeat everything to men."
The husband turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Several men are in the locker room at the golf clubhouse. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it loaded with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Man: "Hello."
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price I want it loaded with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Man: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a long look at herself. "You know, dear,"she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest sags down to my waist, and my rear end is sticking out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well . . . . . there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 a.m. at Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.
Mildred, the local, small-town church gossip and self-appointed monitor of morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her spying and gossip but they feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing and made it clear that she not approve. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. Later that evening, George quietly parked his old pickup right in front of Mildred's house and walked home.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic and around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said , "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have."
Disclaimer: I admit it. Some of us men are totally lacking in sensitivity. Ive made my share of mistakes in this department, but this guy, before his untimely demise, really takes the cake.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic and around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
At one point during a soccer game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is how we play as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, yell at the referee, or call him an idiot. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb idiot is it?'' Again the little boy agreed.
"Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother and father."
These are actual passages found in high school essays:
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Baxter looks around and ask, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Williams picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet?", Williams says, "I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Williams goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Williams declares, "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Williams.
Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quietly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quietly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
A lady walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and said,
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
A couple in their 90's are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"
He grumbles and then heads into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"
He grumbles and then heads into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Answers from the first nutrition expert I've found who seems to really make sense:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must think logically. What does a cow eat? Hay, grass, and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a leafy green vegetable, and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of mixed vegetable slop.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, can't think of a single one! My philosophy is: No Pain. . . Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans... another vegetable!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must think logically. What does a cow eat? Hay, grass, and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a leafy green vegetable, and a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of mixed vegetable slop.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, can't think of a single one! My philosophy is: No Pain. . . Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans... another vegetable!
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
The Smiths were proud of their family heritage. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. More recent ancestors had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history to leave a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of their history tactfully. Two years later, the book was published. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."
They decided to compile a family history to leave a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of their history tactfully. Two years later, the book was published. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."
A man was sitting quietly reading the newspaper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
George exclaimed to his friend, "I just had another bad argument with my wife!"
"Oh, yeah?" the friend said. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," he replied, "she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
His friend looked puzzled. "Really? Now that's a change! What did she say?"
"I think she said something like, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.'"
"Oh, yeah?" the friend said. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," he replied, "she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
His friend looked puzzled. "Really? Now that's a change! What did she say?"
"I think she said something like, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.'"
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor circulation, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with getting Osama. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the one in the middle." He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!"
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit is $1,000?
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit is $1,000?
A 16 year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifty dollars."
"Who would sell a car like that for fifty dollars?" they demanded.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name. They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifty dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "she must be a real weirdo. Who knows what she will do next? Honey, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifty dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifty dollars."
"Who would sell a car like that for fifty dollars?" they demanded.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name. They just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifty dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "she must be a real weirdo. Who knows what she will do next? Honey, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifty dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
A man was walking down the street when he was stopped by a shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No. I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No. I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you crazy?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
"No. I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No. I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you crazy?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
A year ago, we replaced several windows in our house. They were the expensive double-insulated, energy-efficient windows. This week I got a call from the window company complaining that although the windows were installed a year ago, we still hadn't paid the bill. Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around. I told him no one pulls a fast one on me. I may be blonde, but that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year: "In one year, they will pay for themselves."
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes. The woman freed the frog and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better. The woman said that would be OK, and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him. The woman replied that will be fine because she will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for her. So, poof! she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you. The woman again said that will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine. So, poof! She's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, I'd like a very mild heart attack.
Favorite Bumper Stickers
1. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
8. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
1. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
7. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
8. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
55 year old Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw St. Peter and asked, "Is this it?" St. Peter said, "No, you have another 30 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a facelift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was hit by a speeding car and killed. She again arrived in front of St. Peter and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years."
St. Peter replied, "Is that you, Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a facelift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was hit by a speeding car and killed. She again arrived in front of St. Peter and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years."
St. Peter replied, "Is that you, Shirley? I didn't recognize you!"
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a six pack of soda and a box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment. Then you don't make another payment for a whole year."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and angrily says, "Who told you about us!"
The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment. Then you don't make another payment for a whole year."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and angrily says, "Who told you about us!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible. Exasperated, the little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
I thought I would let my friends in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks, and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute. Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!? What are 2, 4, 8 and 10?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
This woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Of course you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on granddad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "OK, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to go to Disneyland."
"Of course you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on granddad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "OK, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to go to Disneyland."
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's entitled, Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.
An elderly man in New York calls his son in San Francisco and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "I wont let them get divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father and screams, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there in two days. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "OK, honey," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what will we do to get them here for Christmas?"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "I wont let them get divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father and screams, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there in two days. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "OK, honey," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what will we do to get them here for Christmas?"
A man walked into a dentist office and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth. That will be $80, the dentist said.
That's ridiculous, the man spat. Isn't there a cheaper way?
Well, the dentist said, if I don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.
Still too expensive, the man whined.
Okay, the dentist countered, if I save on anesthetic and simply rip the teeth out with extraction pliers, I could probably get away with charging $20.
Nope, moaned the man. It's still too much.
Hmmm, the dentist pondered, scratching his head. If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.
Marvelous, the man beamed. Could you book my wife in for next Tuesday?
That's ridiculous, the man spat. Isn't there a cheaper way?
Well, the dentist said, if I don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.
Still too expensive, the man whined.
Okay, the dentist countered, if I save on anesthetic and simply rip the teeth out with extraction pliers, I could probably get away with charging $20.
Nope, moaned the man. It's still too much.
Hmmm, the dentist pondered, scratching his head. If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.
Marvelous, the man beamed. Could you book my wife in for next Tuesday?
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt . . . . Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes . . . . Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . . . Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia . . . U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois . . . Chica Gogh
His magician uncle . . . Wherediddy Gogh
His Spanish cousin . . . Amee Gogh
The Spanish cousin's American half brother . . .Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt . . . Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco . . . Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach . . . Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover's uncle . . . Flaming Gogh
His arrogant uncle . . . E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking . . . Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew . . . Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van . . .Winnie BayGogh
His dizzy aunt . . . . Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes . . . . Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store . . . Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia . . . U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois . . . Chica Gogh
His magician uncle . . . Wherediddy Gogh
His Spanish cousin . . . Amee Gogh
The Spanish cousin's American half brother . . .Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt . . . Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco . . . Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach . . . Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover's uncle . . . Flaming Gogh
His arrogant uncle . . . E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking . . . Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew . . . Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van . . .Winnie BayGogh
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped up next to the princess and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a dinner of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
The frog hopped up next to the princess and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in my castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a dinner of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and shallot cream sauce.
Real classified ads.
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once and you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
5. Grand Opening at the Superstore. Unequaled in size. Unmatched in variety. Unrivaled inconvenience.
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once and you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
5. Grand Opening at the Superstore. Unequaled in size. Unmatched in variety. Unrivaled inconvenience.
Favorite bumper sticker: I don't approve of political jokes . . . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.
Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Hotel, Acapulco:? The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
On an Athi river highway:? Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
In a Pmwani maternity ward: No children allowed.
Hotel brochure, Italy:? This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
Hotel, Acapulco:? The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
On an Athi river highway:? Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
In a Pmwani maternity ward: No children allowed.
Hotel brochure, Italy:? This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel elevator, Paris: Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around the world itinerary.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around the world itinerary.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
Favorite signs.
On an electrician's truck. Let us remove your shorts.
At the dry cleaner's window. Drop your pants here.
On a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
In a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
At a hotel: Help. We need inn-experienced people.
In a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.
On the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.
On an electrician's truck. Let us remove your shorts.
At the dry cleaner's window. Drop your pants here.
On a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.
In an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
On auto body shop: May we have the next dents?
In a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
At a hotel: Help. We need inn-experienced people.
In a maternity clothes store: We are open on labor day.
On the door of the maternity ward: Push Push Push.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
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