A elderly gentleman was talking to his neighbor and said, " I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
The next day they were chatting again. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The other man responded, "No, it's Thursday!"'
The first man says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to become a billionaire, he thought it wise to fine a nice lady with whom he could share his riches. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but soon I’m going to be a billionaire. Do you wanna go out with me?" “Yes, I would,” Sandra replied, “I would love to.”
Two weeks later, Sandra became his Stepmother.
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Two young boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and then you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?" The first boy responds, "circumcision." The second boy says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
A lady walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and said,
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
This woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, which are words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward.
I asked the question, "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
A child asked his Mother, "How were people born?" His mother responded, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his father, asked him the same question and his father replied, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!" His mother replied, "No, your dad was talking about his side of the family.
A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around the world itinerary.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!" The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Martha's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got injured, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
buddies, Tom and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the
world. Their entire adult lives, Tom and Earl discussed baseball history
in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season.
They went to sixty games a year. They even agreed that whoever died
first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven. One summer night, Tom passed away in his sleep after watching a
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Tom's voice from beyond.
"Tom is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it’s me," Tom replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
At the church meeting, the
preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants
to be prayed over, please come forward." Billy Bob got in line, and
when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need
that you want me to pray about?”
Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need
you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of
one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s
head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak
for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,
stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"
answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quietly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
Favorite bumper sticker: I don't approve of political jokes . . . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 20-year high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?""Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.""My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
The Board of Directors of a large corporation felt that it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to show some authority and rid the company of slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was filled with workers and he decided to let them know that he meant business. So he asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
The young man was a little surprised and looked at him and replied, “$400 a week. Why?”
The CEO reached into his pocket, counted out $800 in cash and handed it to him saying, “Here is two weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.” Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?” From across the room a voice yelled, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.”
It was Christmas Eve and Bill had yet to buy a Christmas gift for his wife. He walked into a nice department store, approached a counter, and asked for ideas. "How about some perfume?" the saleslady asked. She showed him a bottle costing $150. "That's too expensive," muttered Bill. The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for $80. "Still too much," he replied. Growing rather annoyed at Bill's lack of generosity, the saleslady brought out a small $25 bottle and handed it to him. Bill became agitated and said, "What I mean is, I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the saleslady handed him a mirror.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist in town. I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I couldn’t resist so I asked him if he had attended Morgan High School.
"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?'"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, What did you teach?"
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I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 eastbound at Mile Marker 73. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards, I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed weapons permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something – body language, or the way she said it – made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .357 Magnum, in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a thing!"
In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman, to the stand. The attorney approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney nearly died.The judge quickly interrupted and ordered both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for 20 years!"