Bob's Superior Jokes
Bob's jokes have become synonymous with Superior's newsletters. We've compiled a selection of our favorite jokes for your laughing pleasure. If you don't already receive our Superior newsletter, please subscribe in the footer below.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the shed, the boat, fishing -- always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her sitting in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will probably walk again but I will always have a limp.
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!
Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to become a billionaire, he thought it wise to find a nice lady with whom he could share his riches. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but soon I’m going to be a billionaire. Do you wanna go out with me?" “Yes, I would,” Sandra replied, “I would love to.”
Two weeks later, Sandra became his Stepmother.
An elderly gentleman was talking to his neighbor and said, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
The next day they were chatting again. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
The other man responded, "No, it's Thursday!"'
The first man says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Two young boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and then you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?" The first boy responds, "circumcision." The second boy says, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
This woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just a few days before your husband died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."
A man phones his attorney and queries, "How much would it cost me to have you answer three questions?" "That would be $300," the lawyer replies. The man says, "That's an awful lot of money for three questions, isn't it?" "I guess so," says the attorney. "What's your third question?"
A child asked his Mother, "How were people born?" His mother responded, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his father, asked him the same question and his father replied, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!" His mother replied, "No, your dad was talking about his side of the family.
A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around the world itinerary. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!" The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my 20-year high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My Gosh!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
It was Christmas Eve and Bill had yet to buy a Christmas gift for his wife. He walked into a nice department store, approached a counter, and asked for ideas. "How about some perfume?" the saleslady asked. She showed him a bottle costing $150. "That's too expensive," muttered Bill. The young lady returned with a smaller bottle for $80. "Still too much," he replied. Growing rather annoyed at Bill's lack of generosity, the saleslady brought out a small $25 bottle and handed it to him. Bill became agitated and said, "What I mean is, I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the saleslady handed him a mirror.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist in town. I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I couldn’t resist so I asked him if he had attended Morgan High School.
"Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?'"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, rude, decrepit idiot asked, "Oh, What did you teach?"
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the one in the middle." He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!"
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower and when I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Well, printed very clearly on the shampoo label is the warning, “For Extra Volume and Body.” No wonder I have been gaining weight! So I got rid of that shampoo and decided to shower with Dawn dish soap. That label reads, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Of course you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "OK, please make a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "Because Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to go to Disneyland.".
As Herman was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Jack knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in his fashion sense. Jack finally walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
Jack falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing it?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
An elderly man in New York calls his son in San Francisco and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "I wont let them get divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father and screams, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there in two days. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "OK, honey," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what will we do to get them here for Christmas?"
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. "That's a group of blind firefighters," they are told. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free." The priest says, "I will say a prayer for them tonight." The doctor says, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them." And the engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack my clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. And please pack my new pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
His wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish. He replied, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box."
George loved to write. He wrote articles, compositions, poems, anything he could think of he wrote. Although he tried desperately to have his hard work published he was never able to find anyone interested.
A year into his writing career he bumped into one of his friends at a supermarket.
"Harry am I glad to see you! Do you know that my readership doubled since I last saw you!?"
"Congratulations!" Said Harry barely glancing up from the meat he was examining, "Nobody told me you got married!"